Armchair GM – Blitz Exclusive! Todd Haley's New Strategy

armchair-gm-haley

Armchair GM – Blitz Exclusive! Todd Haley’s New Strategy: Bore the Opposition to Victory.

Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley revealed his new strategy of creating a game plan that is so boring and predictable that it lulls the opposition into a stupor. In the post game interview Haley said, ‘Yeah, well we’ve had such great success with our horizontal passing game that we thought we’d expand that kind of stupefying boredom to all aspects of our offense.’ The coach was then asked by a member of the media, ‘Don’t you mean vertical passing game?’ Haley shot back, ‘Hell no! Everybody throws the ball toward the end zones! All defenses expect that. What we try to do is limit our passing to no more than 5 yards downfield. If I had my way we would only throw behind the line of scrimmage and what about laterals? A couple thousand rugby players can’t be wrong can, they? Now, if we combine that with only running when the defense is thinking run and passing when they know we have to pass, then we’ve achieved 100% boredom.’

‘Isn’t that a bad thing?’ another writer asked. ‘Not at all. What happens is that the defense stops having to plan between each play so they just sort of lollygag, checking their voicemail, looking for hot chicks in the stands… oh, and daydreaming. That’s when you’ve really got them. Soon the Defensive Coordinator goes limp. He has nothing to do. Hey, I saw Bob Babich playing Farmville on Facebook. Now, that is a true incapacitating malaise going on there.’

Haley’s cell phone range. He held up his hand while he looked at the screen. He put his head down in a moment of silence. ‘Wow, that was Myron Cope. He said he had to message from beyond the grave to bestow the title of, ‘The Cloak of Boredom’ to the new offense. Wow, that’s truly humbling to have the specter of the creator of ‘The Iron Curtain’ and ‘The Terrible Towel’ now pay homage to my creation.’

When asked about the point total being so low, Haley snapped, ‘What do I care? A wins a win. I’m hoping to win a game by just scoring a safety.’ Around then a loud banging started in locker room. The cause was franchise quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, slamming his head on his locker. ‘The goal is to create such an impenetrable mind dulling atmosphere that it spreads to the opposition’s offense and then to it’s front office. Hey, I was just tweeted that the Jaguar owner, Shahid Khan, wants… here wait’. Haley gleefully read the message. ‘Anybody, just anybody please buy my team, The thought of Haley’s new system taking over the league along with what Goodell is already doing??! Honestly I’ve lost the will to live…’

The banging grew steadily louder as Ben’s offensive teammates joined in the cranium to locker contact. Shouting over the din, Haley said, ‘Hear that! Hear how psyched they are?’ The rest of the team added to the near deafening cacophony. Haley then attempted to engage the team in a chant of ‘Here we go Steelers! Here we go!’. His efforts were not reciprocated. The interview was cut short when a reporter experienced bleeding from his ear and the rest of the media was hustled out due to health concerns.

Go Stillers!